Hollow and broken

Isn't it odd how a single phone call can change the rest of your life? I got such a phone call on March 5th. Everything was a normal day (well sort of). I was on my way to work when I got a phone call from my mom's boyfriend Don telling me that she had taken her life. What? What do you mean? You are kidding right? Is she alive? She's not dead right? I was in an utter state of panic and on the verge of hysterics. He told me she was gone. I didn't know what to do. Who do I call? How do I go on with the rest of my day? I have to say that the day was the worst day of my life. I'm grateful that I was able to have one last conversation with her in the wee hours of that morning. Such a shock. I'm devastated. Having been her only child I've had to take on the task of arranging everything. I've had to talk to the tissue donor people (12 hours after her death), I've had to talk to the funeral director, I've had to close out all of her accounts, I had to write up her obituary, and I had to clean out her stuff from the aparment she shared with Don. It's been weird, and I've had to present a death certificate with all her information for the world to see to all these people that shouldn't know her business. If I didn't have Scott as a support I don't know what I would do. He has been so amazing. Everyone has been great. I'm bugged though. I know that I will have my days, right now I'm still really numb, but this is a grief that most people can't understand. This isn't my first loss of a loved one. I lost my maternal grandmother when I was 11. She died of lung cancer so it was something that we could at least be a bit prepared for. My great grandmother died when I was 18. I lost my maternal grandfather when I was 19. He died from kidney failure after having a heart valve replacement. My Aunt Suzi followed shortly after this, passing away from liver failure. Then my paternal grandmother died when I was 23. The thing with all of these deaths is that they were expected. We knew it would be happening. But with my mother, I had no idea that she was thinking at that moment suicide. I mean, there had been times where she had told me that she was depressed and times where she had cries for help. But this one she did none of the above. She just did it. No note, no nothing. I'm grateful that people can understand that i'm grieving, but grieving a death from suicide is completely different. I have so many questions...what was the last thing she thought about? Why did she decide to do it? Why did she decide to do it the way she did? Did she know that I loved her more then anything? I personally do not have any guilt from this, because I know that this was her choice. She just couldn't take the stresses of her life and thought she had no other way. I believe that she did this hoping Don would find her in the middle of it and save her. I'm always going to have so many questions. It breaks my heart that I couldn't have tried to do something differently, but I know that it could have just prolonged the inevitable situation. I appreciate the support from everyone though! It's an amazing feeling to know that if you need anything there are people there that will help you. I'm just not sure what to do from this point on. I can't pick up the phone and call her, I can't go on our shopping trips anymore. It's a weird, surreal situation. I will heal, and I will be okay. I won't always feel this hollow and broken. It's going to take time, but my life has been forever changed. I appreciate this little rant and I appreciate the support. :)