Isn't it odd how a single phone call can change the rest of your life? I got such a phone call on March 5th. Everything was a normal day (well sort of). I was on my way to work when I got a phone call from my mom's boyfriend Don telling me that she had taken her life. What? What do you mean? You are kidding right? Is she alive? She's not dead right? I was in an utter state of panic and on the verge of hysterics. He told me she was gone. I didn't know what to do. Who do I call? How do I go on with the rest of my day? I have to say that the day was the worst day of my life. I'm grateful that I was able to have one last conversation with her in the wee hours of that morning. Such a shock. I'm devastated. Having been her only child I've had to take on the task of arranging everything. I've had to talk to the tissue donor people (12 hours after her death), I've had to talk to the funeral director, I've had to close out all of her accounts, I had to write up her obituary, and I had to clean out her stuff from the aparment she shared with Don. It's been weird, and I've had to present a death certificate with all her information for the world to see to all these people that shouldn't know her business. If I didn't have Scott as a support I don't know what I would do. He has been so amazing. Everyone has been great. I'm bugged though. I know that I will have my days, right now I'm still really numb, but this is a grief that most people can't understand. This isn't my first loss of a loved one. I lost my maternal grandmother when I was 11. She died of lung cancer so it was something that we could at least be a bit prepared for. My great grandmother died when I was 18. I lost my maternal grandfather when I was 19. He died from kidney failure after having a heart valve replacement. My Aunt Suzi followed shortly after this, passing away from liver failure. Then my paternal grandmother died when I was 23. The thing with all of these deaths is that they were expected. We knew it would be happening. But with my mother, I had no idea that she was thinking at that moment suicide. I mean, there had been times where she had told me that she was depressed and times where she had cries for help. But this one she did none of the above. She just did it. No note, no nothing. I'm grateful that people can understand that i'm grieving, but grieving a death from suicide is completely different. I have so many questions...what was the last thing she thought about? Why did she decide to do it? Why did she decide to do it the way she did? Did she know that I loved her more then anything? I personally do not have any guilt from this, because I know that this was her choice. She just couldn't take the stresses of her life and thought she had no other way. I believe that she did this hoping Don would find her in the middle of it and save her. I'm always going to have so many questions. It breaks my heart that I couldn't have tried to do something differently, but I know that it could have just prolonged the inevitable situation. I appreciate the support from everyone though! It's an amazing feeling to know that if you need anything there are people there that will help you. I'm just not sure what to do from this point on. I can't pick up the phone and call her, I can't go on our shopping trips anymore. It's a weird, surreal situation. I will heal, and I will be okay. I won't always feel this hollow and broken. It's going to take time, but my life has been forever changed. I appreciate this little rant and I appreciate the support. :)
So I saw this fabulous giveaway on the twilight moms website and thought I would repost:) I know I haven't posted anything for a long time, and I'm really sorry. Life just gets in the way of my computer activities:) Anyway, check out the giveaway:)
http://www.twilightmoms.com/2010/02/giveaway-romantic-marriages/
Scott, the kids, and I went downtown on Saturday to check out the Christmas lights at Temple Square. Ethen and Marley have never been (a travisty I know) and it was the perfect temp. I think it was a nice balmy 40 something degrees. Totally a change from the nice single digit temps we have had. Here are some of the pictures I took :) It inspired Scott and I to have a date night on Friday. Super excited. :) Love downtown. 
Because I love Ella and it's December 1st:)
I feel the need to be sentimental and maybe a bit defensive (but I will get to that later). Almost 1 year ago today I went with Scottward and a bunch of my friends to see Twilight on opening day. What an amazing time! My friend Jill had turned my on to Twilight. She kept telling me that I had to read it (so was my sis-in-law Melanie who told me that they were amazing and I had to read them and now she thinks I'm crazy for really liking it). I think that was about August or Sept of 2007. I thought to myself "why do I want to read a book about vampires written by a Mormon author. Really?". Being from Utah I was born and raised Mormon (I really don't go to church anymore, maybe once in a while), so I have nothing against the religion. In my Jazzy little mind I was thinking "what is the big deal with this book called Twilight?" or "is Stephenie Meyer having the vampires do church activities?". So I gave in and decided to give it a chance. I read it and I couldn't put it down. And then I found myself thinking about the book and the characters all the time. It wasn't one of those books where you can read it and forget about it. I kept obsessing about them. I would look at people and think to myself "oh she would make an awesome Alice" or "I wonder if people like Edward really exist". After Twilight I delved into New Moon and Eclipse. Jill and I would sit and talk about them all the time. Then I started to discover websites about the book. I started reading TwilightMOMS and the Twilight Lexicon. Then we found out a movie was going to be made. Wow. We sat and talked about who we thought should play Bella and Edward. It was great. Now here we are with just a few days (I think 6 and some odd hours) until New Moon is released. I'm volunteering my time to help with an event planned in Salt Lake City (www.eventsbyalice.com). It's going to be huge and fun and worth all the blood, sweat, and tears. In all honesty I didn't really know how big Twilight (the book) really was. I mean, I knew it was huge, but I didn't know that it would totally blow up after the movie. Which it has. I can honestly say I've been on the band wagon from the beginning for this lovely series of books. I LOVE them! You can call me a freak show, or you can tell me I'm too old for it. I truly don't care. I'm in this, and I'm fine with it. It wouldn't be my first time getting made fun of. I'm sure it won't be my last! If you want to debate about my Twilightitis bring it on. :)
Saturday was jam packed with stuff! My friend Amber invited me to go to the Witches High Tea at the Grand America Hotel in Downtown SLC. It was so much fun! The tea service was wonderful and the company was great! I meet the most interesting people ever and I love it! After the tea Sabrina, Kami, Shauntell, and I went to Gardner Village for Witches Night Out! It was PACKED! There were so many women there dressed up in their finest witches garb. We got our witch makeup done and looked around at the shops. I'm thinking next year we should go on Friday night instead cause maybe it would be less crowded. But we all still had a great time. After we left Gardner Village we went to see Paranormal Activity. That is the strangest movie ever. I didn't jump once which was surprising. Then again I did have my hand over my face during some of the parts of the movie:) haha. It was fun! I hope that we get to do it again next year. 
